BOOTROOM

Injuries

Buddha is relegated to third choice goalkeeper due to "sexual difficulties".
Elvis Presley resumes training but has to lose some weight before Jock Stein considers him for selection.
Freidrich Nietzsche has declared himself "mentally unfit to play football". Jock Stein is reviewing Nietzsche's future at the club.
George Connelly is again suffering from mental problems. Ah, poor Georgie, he has suffered so much.
Charles Bukowski, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Mahatma Ghandi, Jimmy Johnstone and Rabbie Burns are all alcoholics. Fortunately, Charles Bukowski is the only player unable to play due to the condition.
Pele has suffered such a dramatic loss of form that Jock Stein considers him injured.

Dr Vernon Pearl MB says he is happy with developments in the treatment room. He only performed one operation this week (compared to twenty-three last week, some of which the players felt where unnecessary, particularly the lobotomy on Robert De Niro. Although De Niro claims to have become a better player since the operation, a claim verified by Albert Einstein - "He certainly has a relatively greater physical presence."), as Dr Pearl describes - "I removed one of Presley's kidneys. He had two in there, can you believe it? Too much clutter, I made myself some space for ease of access and clarity."
In response to the numerous queries and anxieties expressed on the epidemic of psychological problems at Celtic Park, Dr Pearl attempted to assuage these concerns by telling reporters to "F*** off".

Suspensions

Paolo Di Canio is suspended for sixty games for "offences against wildlife". Apparently, during a recent European Cup game in China, Paolo bit a tiger, although he is adamant it was in self-defence - "It bit me first, what is a man supposed to do? Stand there and take it? That is not the Celtic way." Jock Stein and Chairman Karl Marx agree that Di Canio responded in the Celtic tradition and are helping him fight his case against UEFA.
Robert De Niro's conduct on and off the field is so violent that he is on the verge of being banned for life. When he recently went shoplifting in the centre of Glasgow, it took twenty-five policemen and thirty police dogs to restrain him. His case will be heard by UEFA on Monday and in Parliament on Tuesday.

Disciplinary Records

Player	Red cards	Yellow cards
Buddha	12	18
Mahatma Ghandi	9	2
Charles Bukowski	21	0
Paolo Di Canio	1	0
Jesus Christ (Capt)	-3 *	0
Robert De Niro	46	-1 **
Freidrich Nietzsche	1	1
All other squad players have no disciplinary record
* Jesus Christ has been awarded minus three red cards, in recognition of three separate mircales He has performed on the field of play. These minus cards can be offset against the unlikely event of Him ever receiving a red card (which would mean He would stay on the field even if sent off three times in the one match).
** Before his recent inclination towards violent behaviour, Robert De Niro assisted Jesus Christ with an on-field miracle. He was awarded an offset yellow card, which he has never had the oppportunity to use.

Click on picture for more about our star players


Jesus Christ	Henrik Larsson	Charles Bukowski

Transfers

Celtic made an initial offer of 67 million to Surreal Madrid, who play in the Spanish Parallel League, for the exciting prospect Chuzz Baldwick. At the age of nineteen Chuzz was top scorer last season in the Parallel League. Although Surreal rejected the intial offer, Celtic made an increased bid of 67,000,050 and Surreal have given indications that they will sell if Chuzz can agree on personal demands with Celtic. Jock Stein says "The boy is a natural, he can chest the ball and everything".
Ronaldo will sign from Inter Milan for 50,000 subject to a medical. He is overjoyed at the proposed move "FC Celtic are the only team I have ever wanted to play for. Norway is a great league and I look forward to playing in it with Celtic.
Michael Owen will shortly join Celtic on a YTS. He will receive a contract worth 29.50 per week plus travel expenses by the cheapest possible route.